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Little Did I Know....

The past 5 months as a new mom has been the most amazing yet stressful months of my life. My daughter has had colic, sleep regression and acid reflux- which has resulted in A LOT of tears and a real life s**** show. I was also super stressed about being a good enough mom, not letting my anxiety get the best of me and controlling my emotions. The stress took a toll on my body which resulted in breastfeeding issues. Add a lot of postpartum depression and anxiety to that and you’ll find yourself a hot-mess of a mama. It has by far been the hardest season of my life.

I’ve had a lot of people ask why I haven’t blogged lately. Everything has honestly been a struggle. Being a mom is the best thing ever while at the same time; the worst. You constantly question yourself and your parenting skills. You wonder if yelling at your baby is going to scar her for life. They say with parenting you experience the highest of highs along with the lowest of lows unimaginable.

I’m no perfect mom that’s for sure. I don’t keep my emotions in tact. I let my temper get the best of me. I get unbelievably frustrated with my child despite knowing there’s nothing she can do to control any of it. I cry a lot. I struggle with my anxiety a lot. I used to question parents who would just walk out of their child’s life; until now. I would never leave Charlee or Luke, but lots of days I question if it would be better if I left Charlee with Luke. Having struggled with severe depression before I had Charlotte only intensified it after I had her. Having an extremely difficult pregnancy/delivery hasn’t lessened my emotions any. After everything that went wrong with my delivery, I was so thankful I could breastfeed Charlotte right away; it was the only thing that was going right. At about 3.5-4 months when I started struggling with breastfeeding, I felt so defeated. That was the only thing I felt I could do right for my daughter. After my water breaking at 26 weeks, 35+ days of contractions, hemorrhaging during my c-section, Charlotte not breathing for the first 30-40 minutes of life and an infection incision, I felt pretty damn proud that I immediately started producing plenty of milk for my daughter. I thought I was going to knock this mommy thing out of the park. Little did I know that in just a few short months I could struggle so much.....

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