I was fairly lucky with Charlotte, in that I did feel a rush of love for her immediately, but I also felt very strange. In fact, it was surreal. I knew she had become the most important thing in my life and I knew I loved her, but I felt odd. I was talking to my husband about how I felt having Charlotte and I always wondered if I felt odd because I had her via a c-section vs vaginally. I didn’t experience the moment of all my pain, exhaustion and hard work coming to an end as I pushed one last time to hear the faint cry of my child as I would have with a vaginal delivery. Instead, I just laid on a cold hard awkward table as I felt a team of doctors poking, pulling and prodding inside my stomach until I heard a very faint baby cry. I tried to get a glimpse behind the blue curtain as the doctors held up my tiny 5lb 3oz, 34 week old baby girl. It felt strange. One second I’m laying on a table chit-chatting with the anesthesiologist, and the next I hear a doctor say “congrats mama, it’s your daughter!” Sometimes I feel like I took the easy way out with a c-section. Despite having excruciating contractions for over 29 days, I still feel that the c-section was my way of saying “I’ve done enough why even bother with a vaginal delivery.” I felt angry for the longest time because I didn’t feel that instant connection of love with my daughter. I didn’t have that instant “bond” that everyone talks about. I remember texting my girlfriends and asking if something was wrong with me because while I knew I loved this itty bitty human, I didn’t feel any connection to her at all. How could that be possible? I carried her inside me for 34 weeks. I felt as if God was punishing me for taking the “easy” way out. I was tired, my body felt foreign and after 34 weeks of wanting my baby here in my arms, she was here and I was overwhelmed.
BUT, in speaking to my girlfriends, the majority of them said they didn’t feel anything at first.
To repeat MANY of them told me this.
They simply didn’t feel a rush of love, they didn’t really know how they were feeling.
If this is you then don’t fret and don’t assume something is wrong with you or that God is punishing you.
The love does grow. I promise. As I sit here typing this, I’m holding my 10 week old daughter whom of which I can’t imagine a greater love than the love I have for her. There are still days I don’t feel necessarily connected to her, but I promise you- the love and bond will come in time.